My life without the cats.

NEW BLOG

2010-01-11T11:28:00.000-08:00

I HAVE MOVED.

...and so has the blog.

Follow my antics at:

http://co-opedup.blogspot.com/

Hope to see you there.

Remy

Raccoons in the Ceiling: Moving on.

2009-12-20T01:45:00.001-08:00

Dearest Readers,

Firstly, I owe you an apology. It has been 42 days since I have last written. Recently, I got an email notifying me that someone had commented on one of these posts. The comment read simply, "post more please!"

Dear anonymous commenter, woah.

You slapped me in the face. I was a hysterical cartoon character and you were the reasonable duck that came and smacked me back to sanity. After the initial blow, I stared off in the direction the hit left my face in, and slowly turned back and said, "Thank you. I needed that."

You all understand my use of that generalized pop culture reference, yes? Good. Lets move on, then.

TIME HAS PASSED.

I am no longer living a life in normal or without the cats. In fact I'm living in decently close proximity TO the cats. Not for long though!

I am back in Chicago, as of December 8th. I will not be going back to Normal.

GET IT?!

GOING BACK TO NORMAL?!

Terrific.

I am starting a new chapter. Both literally and figuratively.

0) Most recently, tonight I switched Safari to my default browser from Firefox, which has been less that sufficient lately.

1) I am no longer attending ISU. (I suppose that needed not to be said.)

2) I am moving into the Qumbya Housing Cooperative in Hyde Park as of early January.

2a) That may require me to take on a newly vegetarian lifestyle.

2b) Hopefully that will spawn organic enviro-file new friends.

3) I will be finishing the year at Harold Washington College in the Loop. It is a city college of Chicago and credit hours cost $600 dollars less than Columbia College! Suck on that art students!

(at this point the numbering system is really just for show, the order has no cohesion.)

4) I am officially a resident of the City of Chicago.

4a) And an organ donor!

4b) And a registered voter!

5) I got a Chicago Public Library card! (that should probably have been 4d but I am excited about it so I gave it it's own slot.)

6) I'm looking for a job!

I'm out of numbered points. Thats the update in a very abridged fashion.

The following are a photo representation of my life since we've last spoken.

No Shave Semester. (September 4-November 24)

Fakesmas 2009. Reunited and it feels so good.

Thanksgiving pre-show.

The last moon.

Weird accidental dorm-held goodbye party. The whole floor came. Amazing how things change. I'm going to miss those morons.

The last weekend.

Crow infestation.

Studying for finals.

Au revoir Van Buren 223.

Driving BACK to ISU with Charlie to pick up Brendan. Lakeshore Drive, just north of McCormick Place. A non-conspicuous gray SUV with California plates (what?). Charlie double takes, "Holy shit thats Rod Blagojevich!" Rod, seeing our panic and excited mouths and motions, "Roll down the window!" We do so, swerving. "Do you want a picture?" I couldn't make this stuff up. Charlie fumbles around and finds my camera, takes the picture. He smiles his crazy wonderful smile, "Merry Christmas!" That was my afternoon with the greatest governor in Illinois's history. Good luck Rod, we don't want you to go anywhere.

Historic Pontiac, Illinois. Swinging bridge over the Vermillion river, camera timer. Note me running towards them on the right.

Tiny tree.

Second City 50th Anniversary.

Panel Discussion. Scott Adsit and Jack MacBrayer (Pete and Kenneth, 30 Rock), Kate Flannery (Meredith, The Office), Liz Cackowski (Liz, Forgetting Sarah Marshall), various other writers.

George Wendt.

Harold FUCKING Ramis. Raised his Ghostbuster writin' eye brows at me.

Eugene Levy.

Fred Willard, who's hand I shook.

Danny Pudi (Abed, Community).

Zoo Lights with Laura.

Ringing bells for Charity at Union Station. I think the megaphone alienated people. Megaphone in hand, I said to a crowd, "Don't be a grinch!", a guy in a trench coat walked by and said to me, "Don't be an idiot." Then another douchey stock broker type asked us if this is what four years of college got us.

I will be blogging from my new setting, but I do not think "mylifeinnormal" is still fitting. I will be making a new blog, new title, new site (more ads!). I plan on keeping up with it 2 or 3 times a week and maybe applying a more overreaching theme. We'll see. Check back, I'll post the new URL here.

Good yontif.

The Meat Faucet has Been Turned On.

2009-11-08T17:21:00.001-08:00

Hey people who read this.

Who are you, these days?

It's been an interesting week. On Friday night I interviewed Erin McDermott, this girl who got a record contract. It was my first story for the newspaper. The story ran on Monday.
I was excited.

This was parents weekend and my mom was here Saturday for lunch. We went to Chili's! Then as she was leaving I got a call from Nina's parents who offered to take me out for dinner. Two free meals in one day. It was a really good day. I love Barbara and Chuck. They claimed that the reason they visited was to make it into my blog. Your wish is granted. "The meat faucet" line is Chucks, in reference to the absence of his two vegetarian daughters.

I have another article running tomorrow, and I have one due Sunday. That one is going to be awesome. It was my idea. It's called "The Burrito Kings of McLean Country." It's about these two guys who work at the Mexican place in the cafeteria. It's going to be great. I interviewed one of them today.

All of my questions were very burrito oriented. "Do you plan on making burritos your career?"

I'm definitely not returning next semester. I'm excited. I'm only two or three weeks away from being done here.

There is a really really awesome Newsweek coverage about the decade in retrospect. http://2010.newsweek.com/home.html

It's really really interesting and well-written.

Not much more to say for now.
Oh that man.

Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag, screaming about socialism.

2009-11-04T10:38:00.000-08:00

I've been sick since Friday. I made the executive decision to stay in bed this morning and skip my morning classes. I think I'll be okay, I'm feeling slightly better.

I'm actually doing kind of a lot. I got this job for the newspaper here, and I have two stories due at the end of the week. That's kind of exciting.

I'm looking for an apartment. Got one?

How about a job?

I'm getting really excited about leaving. I think next semester is going to be a lot more fun than this one. I must say though, that things have improved here. I've made some more friends and been keeping a little busier.

...I've become friendly with the guys on my floor.

What?

I don't know.

I'm really interested in trying to get this Americorp job when I get to the city. It's called Cityyear Chicago, and its a service program where you work one on one mentoring and tutoring kids. There are community revitalization elements and a lot of leadership stuff. It sounds really really awesome.

Also it comes with a monthly allowance and a final education grant and it has time for school/work.

I've realized lately how incredibly self centered I am. It'd be good to exert some effort into other people.

Heres a picture of ducks and a kitten.

See? That was for you. Not me.

I think I'm becoming my mother.

Halloween, A Photo Exploration.

2009-11-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

Night 1:
A chicken we were in the elevator with.
Apollo Anton Ohno and Apollo, God of the Sun.
The Hamburgler and Ronald McDonald
You know you can't believe, Jamaica's got a bobsled team!
With the best Wolverine ever.
With Matt Foley.

Night 2:
Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass
A Used Car Salesman and his apprentice, Junior.
And our friend, the ghost.

On to no shave November. Let it be a good one.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2009-10-28T14:53:00.001-07:00

Cat Forum!

2009-10-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Are you not supposed to form relationships with service animals? Do blind people love their dogs in the way they would love it if it was a pet? Is that against the rules? What if they had a service dog, and a love dog?

The love dog, lets call him Richard, and the service dog, Bubbles. If someone in need of service did have two dogs, do you think it would be like slavery? Do you think Richard would be a total dick to Bubbles and the master wouldn't say anything of it? Maybe Bubbles would sleep in the bedroom and Bubbles would have a little shack behind the fields where he raised his family of service dogs?

End service dog slavery now!

Just something to think about.

Real life tastes like bad fish and a slap to the jaw.

2009-10-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

I'm back at ISU.

Olympia was so great. I'm super withdrawn from life here, I want nothing more than to return. Laura was great and her school was cool and the setting was BEAUTIFUL.
Evergreen was kind of nuts. The campus is 1000 acres of woods tucked in western Olympia. The school has an organic farm, WITH CHICKENS, and is bordered by the Puget Sound.
It was gorgeous. She lives on the 9th floor, and unlike here they can open their windows. We opened a glow stick on a parachute guy and threw him out the window. Then we pulled him back up with a yarn safety line. Over and over. We saw a bunch of raccoons. They're everywhere.

It was really nice being with her. Its been really hard to be back.

However, there are things to pay credit to. Firstly, GOODBYE ISU! As of December 4, the end of the semester, it looks as if I will no longer be a student here. I'll probably go to school in Chicago for a semester. I'm not sure after that, but I want to stay in school. Just not here. I just found out that because my dad lives in California, I can go to their schools in state. That opens a TON of options. I'll keep you posted.

I guess I'll have to change my blog url...

I got a fucking job! Writing!

The Daily Vidette, the school's newspaper, hired me to write for their features section until the end of the semester. I'm unsure as to what I'm doing, but I'm going in Friday, so we'll see.

Now that I am pretty sure I am leaving, I'm feeling somewhat nonchalant about certain things. Like making friends and applying for jobs. Since I stopped really caring, both have come a little easier. Funny, how that is.

Zoe's birthday is thursday. Good thing too, nobody likes you when your 23.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving. I'll see everyone, then 2 more weeks, Christmas break, end of school. It gets a little better.

I'm going to make the best of the last month. I'm going to try really hard to healthy for the remaining month, and maybe volunteer somewhere.

That's my life in a nutshell right now.

Remy

PS. I saw the Jerk with Laura. Oh Steve, well done. Well done.

THESE CANS ARE DEFECTIVE!

Written on October 21-

2009-10-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

Hey there boys and goys,

I am writing this entry in a word document to be later posted from my seat on the Amtrak 322 Texas Eagle. I accidentally boarded the sleeper car and I have this awesome seat that reclines really far and has a butt load of legroom. I am an hour and a half into a 14-hour day of travel. Train, lunch, train, sit, sit, sit, airplane, car. It’ll be a blast!

I’m going to Olympia, Washington to visit my lovely girlfriend, Laura. It will be exciting. I’ve never been north of San Francisco. Too much flannel. A bunch of little kids just ran by my seat. I was talking to this girl yesterday about how I feel anxiety to stretch my legs and be in a more urban environment, and she was like “I think I know what you mean, I’m from Joliet.”

JOLIET?! What’s even in Joliet besides a prison that they hung a woman at in the movie Chicago?! Certainly not city life, stupid girl.

I feel as if I haven’t given you enough raw entertaining material lately, so I’m going to write you something. Not for Ted, not for a column, just for you.

A short story about the duck that took the wrong bus.

Lewis Quackman did not consider himself faint of heart.
He was a brave young duck. He took on challenges that had no concern to him, simply to prove he could do them. It is easy to assume that the reason for his constant struggling was to prove something to someone. He was the youngest and smallest of a litter of six ducklings. He had been bound to land for the first months of his life because of crippling beak problems. He watched his father, Terrance Quackman, brutally eaten by a family of Orientals. For a young duck, Lewis had seen a great deal of adversity, but these were not the reasons for his tenacity.
Lewis Quackman wanted to prove to himself that he could do anything. Not his family or rivermates. He constantly found himself swimming upstream, literally. He would challenge forest animals to fight. He would race riverboats. He would viciously attack human children for bread. Lewis dabbled in pottery and sculpture making, but quit after not instantly achieving greatness.
As his young months passed he found that his home of Riverton was getting to small for him. He had proved himself there. He accomplished things no duck had done before, like kill a beaver. His constant effort alienated the other inhabitants of Riverton, particularly the beaver community, whom were still in mourning. He knew when he was not wanted. He was a big duck in a small pond, and he was ready for bigger things.
One night, Lewis was in the study. He was quietly reading a book of soft poetry when suddenly there was a crash. Through the window came a pencil shaped log, sharpened to such an extent that it could impale a the slipperiest sea otter. The marks on the logs end were unmistakable. Lewis hobbled to the window and stuck out beak and yelled,
“Leave it to beavers! If it were me I’d be in pieces!”
He knew it was time to go.
The next morning he flew to the bus station. He had to request the help of an elderly man to hold him up to the window because he was much to short and there was no ledge for him to perch. He bought a ticket to Santa Fe. He had always loved Newsies. He paid the ticket man in bread and took a seat under the bench.
His bus wasn’t scheduled to come for four hours. He waited and waited and he waited some more. Right as his heavy duck eyes got heavy a gleaming mass rounded the corner. He quacked with excitement.
“Quack.”
He hobbled aboard the cramped bus and took his seat by the window. He was finally getting out. Lewis watched as the woods became forests and the forest became meadows. Again his heavy duck eyes fell.
He awoke to the intercom,
“End of the line! Joliet, Illinois!”
Lewis was panicked. He hobbled to the driver,
“Joliet, Illinois? I thought this bus was going to Santa Fe!” The driver looked at him dumbfounded.
“How did a duck get on this bus?!” He pushed Lewis off with his foot. He hit the ground with a thump. As he laid on the harsh boring pavement of the Joliet bus station, he had a realization. He thought to himself,
“Of course I’m not in Santa Fe! These humans probably don’t speak Dutch!” You see, Riverton was originally a Dutch settlement. The early people there had all spoken a hybrid of Dutch and Portuguese, and that’s the only human talk the animal community of Riverton had even known. As time progressed humans and animals moved away from each other and the ducks were not exposed to modern English.
Lewis wallowed in self-pity. It’s my own fault, he thought. As he lay on the ground, something occurred to him. He left Riverton looking for a challenge, and that challenge was Joliet! He picked himself up by his beak and he took in a breathe of the sweet sweet Joliet air. As he looked around, he wondered if this was the challenge he had been seeking? Was he in over his head? As he stood, stunned, a man in suit approached him.
“Excuse me sir, do you have a life insurance policy?”
“Oh shit,” Lewis thought. “I really am in Joliet! What am I gunna do?!”

To be continued?

October 21 Part 2:

Written several hours later from an airplane.

So I was in Midway Airport earlier today and I had a while to kill preflight. I went to this market café place to see if food was reasonably priced and I accidentially bought a 10 dollar Caesar salad. I grabbed a salad and I was waiting in line, and I realized conflicting signs saying it cost more than I thought. Before I read those signs I opened the salad, at first to smell it, then to eat a cruton and piece of lettuce with my fingers. I asked the girl at the counter if it was 10 or 5, she said 10, and I was like “oh, I’ll just get something else”, and she called me on it. I felt so shamed, also stupid for buying a 10 dollar salad. I guess what I’m getting at is that I really don’t regret it.

I feel that people are way to picky about germs nowadays and I am in staunch support of the 15 second rule. It is my right to touch your salad! Maybe not if your eating it, but if I touched it like 40 minutes before you even saw it it doesn’t count! You would have no idea. It wouldn’t have brought you any harm! I can’t believe she saw me. It was so busy in there. The woman next to me is reading an US Weekly or something and I find that I keep reading the celebrity pages over her shoulder, and I just realized that so is the guy on the other side and a strange middle eastern man lurking behind us.

I'll write after more after I get back.
Remy

From my laboratory in the castle east, to the master bedroom where the vampires feast...

2009-10-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody.

Sorry it's been so long, there's been a lot and nothing happening.

I did not do much of anything this weekend. I barely left my room. I did go to Theater of Ted and read a letter my letter to Google. I hung out this girl Abby, who is the cousin of Aviva, my friend from home, and that was fun.

I still can't tell if the over-obvious 10 Things I hate About You reference was funny. I think so.

I'm being super neglective. I haven't written anything for the Examiner. I think I'll try and get that kicking soon, too.

I've been having super bad sleep problems for the last four days. I'm not sure when I actually fell asleep last night, but it was WAY too late. I feel like Edward Norton in the beginning of Fight Club today.

My tiredness is leaving me without the creativity to make this fun to read. For that I apologize. I promise I'll be back and fun soon! I just need some sleep. And a an alarm clock.

I wish my ads were back.

Google drinks to much, but you didn't hear it here.

I don't want to see The Hangover anymore. I think I've seen it five times. Too much.

Im taking Billiards as a class.

Its AWESOME.

We do nothing, except play pool, which makes sense.

Thats where your $375 per credit hour is going mom and dad!

Last Halloween, or last October, Laura and I were in San Francisco. One night we saw Night of the Living Dead at the Castro Theater at midnight. It was SO fun. I want to do that again.

They're coming for you, Barbra.

The Shining is playing at the Normal Theater the week of Halloween, I'm definitely going.

I am going to Olympia, Washington on Wednesday. I can't wait.

I'm almost done with the first season of The OC. I don't know what I'll do with my time when it's over.

I leave you with this video my friend Gabe showed me.

Au Revoir.

I'm sorry in advance.

2009-10-14T17:01:00.001-07:00

Check out my Twitter!
(^click that^)

I SWEAR it'll be funny.

Follow me.

I drink your water, Eli. I drink the blood of lamb from Bande's tract.

2009-10-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

I watched There Will Be Blood last night. I didn't have anything to do, and I thought to myself, "I'll have a relaxing night!"

That is one good long movie.
I had weird dreams.

Austin listens to TERRIBLE music.
Nickleback terrible.

I got a really wonderful letter today. Mail is extraordinarily gratifying.

So my blog is somewhat of a mixed bag of success and failure. My ads are disabled indefinitely. Maybe Google will give me them back, and the money I accrued. The day my account was suspended was the day I got my mailing address verification. If it had come one day earlier I could have kept the 50 dollars in my account, instead of having it taken away.

On the other hand, it seems like the chalk got some people to look at it. That's really cool. I want to cover more of campus in the link, but it keeps raining. The night I chalked Watterson it rained. I did a bunch on the walls, which is against the rules, apparently, and that's still there. I was planning on putting some of my ad money into making posters to cover campus is. It's a vicious cycle.
The lights kind of bright, but every one of those walls has chalk on it. That's still there.

I'm applying for a ISU tour guide job. Wouldn't that be great? Really ironic, I think. I would LOVE to do that. I would add so many of my own facts.

This quad was the location of the duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton.

Lincoln used to come here to "think". Rumor has is he was seeing a woman in Bloomington.

The possibilities. Another job I am applying for is to be an outdoor adventure trip guide, which would be really cool and fun. The only problem is, they ask you have general knowledge of outdoor adventure equipment. Laura and I went on a two or three hour canoe trip on the Galena river this summer and flipped 3 times in the first 20 minutes.

I thought you were supposed to lean really heavily while turning.

Me and Gabe are going for a fall bike ride.

Best of luck to you all.

THIS JUST IN

2009-10-12T00:32:00.000-07:00

Check it out.
Happy Birthday dad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwCmY2k2gSw
By me and Zoe.

There's drinking, crying, and cops. It must be Christmas.

2009-10-11T15:01:00.001-07:00

I've been watching a lot of the OC lately. I'm pretty deep in the first season. It's SO much like my life.

WELCOME NEW FOLLOWERS.

I'm so glad to hear that the chalk brought some people in. Wanna be friends? I do.

That means you, Connie.

GOOGLE IS INVESTIGATING ME FOR FRAUD.
Technically "Invalid Click Activity." They suspended my advertising account and froze all of my funds. I appealed and I'll find out soon. I should never have asked in my blog for people to click, apparently that's like the only rule. I imagine they did research and saw that all Ad interest had come from like 17 computers. It's actually kind of funny. MY BAD.

GOOGLE,

IF YOU'RE READING THIS, PLEASE KNOW THAT I'M SORRY, OKAY?!
I never meant to hurt you. I NEVER MEANT TO HURT ANYONE.
I just... I just don't know anymore, Google!
I mean, what's it all about?!
Every time I try and do something good, I get investigated for fraud.
Every time I try and promote my blog by telling people to click my ads over and over, I get investigated for fraud.
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
I don't know any other options!
I could write a post from the 'Dog House'?
And put funny clip art of a dog house?
Just think about it, Google.
You're the best I ever had. I think you should know that.
I wrote you a poem:

Google, I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate it when you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it.
I hate the way your always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when your not around, and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all.

Google, call me.

For the record that was the poem Julia Styles reads to Heath Ledger at the end of 10 Things I Hate About You, with 'Google' added at the beginning and end.
Also I may read that at Theater of Ted this week, heads up.

I'm writing this on a bus back to school from that "smelly old onion", as the Indians might call it!
Sorry, "Native Americans."

Lou Reed is a weirdo.

I am going to Olympia in ten days. I cannot contain myself.

I'm really worried about the integrity of the tiny pumpkin in my bag in the storage compartment below. I hope it's okay.

You know what I think are really funny? Cats.
God... I can't even start.

I love Pure Michigan commercials. Truly the best work of Tim Allens career.
Sorry 'Shaggy Dog'! Close second!

Seriously, those people that saw my chalk blog ads, lets hang out. I promise I'm just this interesting in person. CONNIE. JESSICA. THAT POOR GUY. Comment again and we'll exchange more specific information. OR, we could meet on the Ponte Vecchio. I'll be wearing a blue blazer and holding a Hannah Montana umbrella. Come alone.

I wonder if being a student at ISU is a lot like being an Irish railroad worker in the 1800's...

Probably.

Dinner at A' Jose tonight!
Adios.

Street Hassle

2009-10-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

So earlier this morning I went running. I was listening to that Loud Reed song, Street Hassle, and I stepped on the sidewalk funny. I came down on the edge of the raised pavement and rolled my ankle. I did it a little and tried to keep moving and then I did it really hard again. I barrel rolled into the grass and laid there for a few seconds. It wasn't terrible and I felt this odd sense of perseverance. I got up and I kept running. It was truly my proudest moment of the week.

The thing about it was, besides that it hurt really bad to keep running, I also cut my knees pretty bad on the sidewalk and they were bleeding. When I got back towards my dorm I realized that people kept looking at my legs. I looked down to see my left leg covered in blood. I kept running! I felt like SUCH a badass.

I was just running nonchalantly and BLEEDING. I'm so strong sometimes, I thrill even myself. After I got to my room I cringed and bitched as I cleaned and bandaged my wound, but I was still like Braveheart out there.

Me and Nenders went on a really beautiful bike ride yesterday. Normal is actually really nice in the fall. It's going to be amazing in like a week when all of the trees are in full change. I'm having a pretty up day. That's a good thing.

Happy Birthday Dad! Shalom!

I'm going home this weekend.

Thank fucking god.

Me and Zoe are going to go to the zoo and I'm going to ride in the North Side Critical Mass and I'm going to eat SO much and my mom's gunna buy me everything I want!

It'll be like Christmas!

Or Hannukah, pick your evil.

14 days until Olympia. I cannot wait.

I have a visual aid to show you my bloody knees but I'm not sure if I should put it up. I probably will, if not just because I like having pictures in my posts.

This will work instead.Have a good one.
Remy

Goodnight, Dear Void

2009-10-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

So for my Composition class, (English, I just called it composition so you guys would think I'm really smart and I'm in really smart classes) we are finishing up a project on writing Op Ed pieces. Supposedly, these pieces are to be submitted to a forum of your choice, but that seems like it probably won't happen in the class. However, I am planning on submitting mine to the Chicago Tribune. Check it out, let me know what you think, I'm going to wait a few days to submit it. I proofed it like three times, but if they're are issues like that I'd be happy if you pointed them out. Thanks guys!

The Death of the Newsies

by Remy Schwartz

As of August I became a college student. As a new freshman, my initial arrival was about fulfilling my immediate expectations of adulthood. One of the first things I purchased upon my arrival to campus was a subscription to the Chicago Tribune. Honestly, this was a partial impulse buy. I have always been incredibly susceptible to people selling me things, but this particular thing just happened to hit close to home.

I heavily associate reading the newspaper with adulthood. My entire life I’ve woken up to watch my mother read the Tribune over breakfast. I have always gazed adoringly and thought to myself, “One day I’ll read the paper every morning.”

Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday are the best mornings of my week. I love getting the paper. Being in a corn-crowded setting I find that my city blood grasps for every piece of urban life I can get my hands on. As a native Chicagoan, what better paper than the Tribune?

In my high school years I would routinely read news on the Internet. I found that it was truly the most efficient way to stay in touch with the world around me. As I enter my adult life I have realized that perhaps efficiency is not what I desire. The news is a perpetual. There are always updates to be published and more information to be had.

As I’m sure you know all to well, print is on its way out. The newspaper is a fatally sick industry. With massive cutbacks at nearly every news agency, it appears that print is standing on its last legs. As a new reader of the paper, I find the prospect of its departure devastating. Although it took me eighteen years to physically pick one up, I have always understood the weight and importance of print media.

The beautiful thing about newspapers lies in not their efficiency to convey the news, but in their timelessness. Forms of the newspaper have been around since the age of Julies Caesar when proclamations were carved in stone and left on display in public forums.

Newspapers are my reason to get out of bed. The age of information has brought us many things including the wonders of wireless Internet. When I awake I can easily grab my laptop and catch up on the events of the modern world. However, when my paper waits for me in my mailbox downstairs, I have something to look forward to as I open my tired eyes.

As a member of a generation with little to no attention span, I can confidently say that when I read news on the Internet I am quickly distracted by something else. A newspaper is wonderfully tangible. It has the ability to become routine. The paper’s cohesion and physical presence alone are enough to keep me reading.

I understand that progress is something that cannot be stopped. I am not suggesting we pump the breaks on the age of information. I am, however, trying to appeal to a generation of people who can make a difference. I am a college student and I love the paper. I do not read it to convey an image of originality or to be a snob; I read it to connect to the world around me.

As a young person, I have found that in order to understand where I am going, it is imperative for me to know from where I came. I am from a Tribune family. I will read the newspaper until the day it is gone from this planet. Please, help me push that day back.

Examiner Page

2009-10-06T14:40:00.001-07:00

Read my first Examiner article.

http://www.examiner.com/x-26069-Illinois-State-University-Arts-Examiner

Thanks everybody.

I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.

2009-10-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

The view from the top.This picture of the disappearing railroad tracks makes me think of Walt Whitman.
It's been a little while, my friend.
Sorry for the delay.

I got hired as an Examiner. I am officially the Illinois State University Arts Examiner, which is kind of cool. I haven't registered and stuff yet, but I'm going to get set up with that today. I don't know if that'll make me any money, but it'll look good on a writing resume. I'm going to try and cover the campus in posters and chalk with the URL of the blog and the Examiner page later this week. Try and build up a reputation. I'm waiting to hear back from the school newspaper. That'd be kinda cool, too.

This weekend? God, Friday, when I went home, I really wanted an egg-salad sandwich. And I was just obsessing about and I was like: "Man, I'm gunna make one of those.' So- so, Saturday I went out and got like a dozen eggs and I boiled them all and then I just, I-I spent, I don't know, probably three hours... Like three and a half hours making, you know, the mayonnaise and the onions and paprika and, you know, all the accoutrement. And then, by the I was done I just really didn't feel like eating it!

And I didn't have any bread. So you know, it was a pretty good weekend.

I didn't do anything notable Friday. On Saturday Brendan, Mike, and I watched the 40 Year Old Virgin. Then we met up with some people and I watched a bunch of people drink rum in a dorm room. It was actually more fun than it sounds. These girls, though. Republican interior design majors from Arlington Heights. Sounds good! I know I'm not supposed to be judgmental, but it is SO much easier, and generally more fun.

I didn't do Ted weekend because I didn't feel like exerting the social energy, but I did write something. I'm not sure that I'm crazy about it. I kind of dislike it, actually. I posted it below. Let me know what you think.

I'm trying really hard to channel my negative energy into creativity. I've been doing a lot of writing and trying to be industrious in terms of finding and seizing opportunities. I have to finish one this one lengthy assignment then I can get the examiner stuff up and going.

Life moves forward. I have a meeting next week with to start organizing my study abroad/transfer. I'm starting to refer to it as my exodus. It sounds so... climactic. The little things are getting me through right now. Most primarily, Sunday night TV.

Sorry, it's not TV, it's HBO. And Mad Men.

Have any of you guys seen Bored to Death with Jason Schwartzmen? I really really like it. I love the writing style. Its by this guy Jonathan Ames. Ever heard of him? He's written like 9 books. I'd be happy to hear if anyone read any of them and had any comments. Also the Curb Your Enthusiasm Seinfeld Reunion was really funny and Entourage was maybe the best episode ever. Mad Men was okay.
"What happened at the office today, honey?"
"Kinsey built this contraption that could fling a water balloon across the office. So we filled one with ketchup."

30 Rock starts soon.

That's my TV section.

I'm going home this weekend, then to Olympia to see Laura soon after. I cannot wait.

I love this weather. It's in the low 60's and sunny right now. Leaves are falling, bears are yawning, somewhere Goldie Hawn is burrowing for the cold season. I threw around a football yesterday. I had never done that before. THANKS A LOT, DAD!

That's all for the time being. I leave you with what is really most exciting to me about Thanksgiving.
The Fantastic Mr. Fox Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0gJzsE5syI

Good day.

Letter to Ted #4

2009-10-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

I wrote this thing for Ted. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Let me know what you think of it.

Dear Ted,

Tonight, I had originally planned to perform a jazz fusion piece about global warming’s effect on the angst of the adolescents of the pacific islands , but I forgot my clarinet. So, instead I’m going to read this letter I wrote on my way over here.

Dear Ted,

Ted, I’m afraid I have something else to ask of you. I find myself in a conundrum of sorts, and I could sure use some help. Here goes.

With the new presence of fall, I find myself yearning for something more.

The rapidness with which seasons change in Illinois reminded me of something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I haven’t had the best time since I arrived at Illinois State in August.

I find that I lack the comforts of my previous life.

I don’t have any of the immediate social comforts of home.

I miss my friends, my girlfriend, the endless supply of food other than A’ Jose that was always in my refrigerator.

With my misery in full swing, I am gladly watching the seasons change while I mark the boxes on the calendar leading to my Exodus from Normal, Illinois.

This last week, there was a dramatic drop in temperature and ascension in wind.

Fall is here.

Just like that.

On Monday I sat outside working on something, in need of another layer, and thought to myself, “Why can’t time pass here like it does in the Harry Potter movies?”

I know it may seem like an irreverent comparison to make, but I ask you to bear with me.

In the Harry Potter movies, at least in my memory, there is pretty common passage of time.

It will be summer vacation for a few minutes, then the kids find themselves boarding the Hogwarts express and heading off to another year of magic and adventure.

Then they get to school.

Its fall, for maybe 5 minutes.

Then its winter.

Christmas, more specifically, and the plot is thickening.

To finish it up, there is a flash of Spring and the kids find themselves back on the train, heading into their summers we seldom hear about, at least in the movies.

Now try and separate all the plot from that time line.

Forget the characters and look at the clock.

Summer, Fall, Fall, Winter, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Winter, Winter, Spr- End Credits.

That’s what I want.

I feel like were on our way, for the most part.

Its suddenly fall, and based on the weather outside it feels as if its soon to be winter.

Christmas, even

Were so close!

But all I can really do about it is watch. I don’t seem to be able to anything to speed up this process.

To my knowledge, time is out of our hands.

So I put it to you. What can we do to make ISU more like Hogwarts?

I figure that if our lives mimic that of the books, time will eventually fall into suit.

So how are we going to do this?

If anyone has any ideas on how to make life more like the Harry Potter movies, I’m all ears. I’m willing to go any possible direction, whether it be to invest in a wand or start causing a ruckus in the central Illinois magic world.

I thank you for all your time and I look forward to hearing a cornucopia of suggestions.

Aphids: They're Just Gnat That Into You!

2009-09-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

Writing writing writing writing.
Cats. Cats. Cats. Cats.

I NEED A JOB SO BAD.

My last 48 hours has been totally consumed by ways money making schemes. I have applied everywhere on campus and nearby and cannot find anywhere that's hiring. My work study is doing nothing for me. You know what is providing me an income, beside my dad sending me money? THIS BLOG. Since I put up ads last Tuesday, this baby has made 30 dollars! That's SO nuts! I really need to figure out how to make this thing get a bigger circulation. I asked my English class to all look at it and click an ad today, and it made me like 11 dollars. Also, a couple people said they really liked it. I'm thinking about printing out posters and writing the link in chalk all over campus. Also seeing if I can get blogspot to feature it. I am very open to suggestions.

I applied for a thousand telecommuting freelance writing jobs via craigslist. I got a real application to a cool news service called the Examiner. I wrote a sample article about the aphids on campus (titled the same as this post). We'll see. Apparently, the school paper is hiring. DUH. I didn't even think of that. I am going to turn in an application and try and interview tomorrow. I'm waiting to hear back from a lot of places, including some local restaurants.

I'm going to write something for Ted this week. I have an idea, but nothing solid yet. It's only Tuesday.

Jenga has not been great lately. The tournament took a nasty turn. Brendan FINALLY just came off a 13 GAME winning streak. I was really demoralized. I won two earlier, hopefully I can turn it around.

I love fall. It's so apparently autumn here. It is under 65 all week and there are leaves all over the ground. I've been really cold, actually. I'm not prepared for a temperature change, clothing wise. This seasonal change is having a good effect on my morale. I always associated the idea of college and autumn when I was younger, and I feel more like in the right place now.

I'm going to Olympia in 22 days. I can't wait. It's going to Wonderful. Capital W.

We find out about the Olympics in 3 days. It's going to Wonderful. Capital W.
Suck it Brazil. What good did you ever do for the world beside City of God? Nothing? That's what I thought.

Hold on. I didn't mean that.

I just...

I get so fired up.

I hope we get it.

People have stopped commenting on my posts? Why? Continue. I know all of my friend's parents are reading. Byrnes? Carberys?. Berman/Brotmans? Figels? SAY SOMETHING. MOM.

That's all for tonight. I need to fill out applications and make a resume. Keep clicking ads. I really appreciate it.

Au Revoir.
Remy

You, feeling something. That’s what sells.

2009-09-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

Should I become an advertising major? Seriously? I cannot tell if I'm interested or if I've just been watching a ton of Mad Men. I've been watching a ton of the OC too, and I find that I really want to steal a car and OD in Tijuana, so who knows what to feel. This post is specifically to give you some visual aids of my life in the last couple weeks.
I'm allergic to shellfish!The industrious evangelizing Brother Jeb, spreading his overwhelming offensive word of God. Behind him is a dude in tiny underwear who turned on Lil' Wayne and started juking him, with satanic stuff written on his chest.My english class where I write most of my blogs.Tournament scoreboard. 30 Days, 60 games. If it is necessary there will be a 60 game tie-breaker round.
Aphids!At the art gallery, attempting to get free gourmet food. We got the next best thing! Chips Ahoy cookies!On the way to donate blood. Terrifying. Apparently, I have HUGE veins. Three nurses commented on them. I am going to consume SO much cholesterol. IT'LL NEVER EFFECT ME!The whole gang.

If you're gunna spew, spew in here.

2009-09-25T10:36:00.001-07:00

I REALLY want to watch Wayne's World. I think it's ridiculous that we don't own that movie.

I've had such an interesting 24 hours.

Two of our five native Oak Park group are home for the weekend, leaving Brendan, Max, and I to conquer Normal by ourselves. Last night we were taken on a wild journey. We went to a party at The "Q" house, which was apparently an all black fraternity. We found ourselves on this zig zaggy sidewalk-less walk to find this fabled party, shaking with anticipation. We walked as the only three white boys in a huge group of people, including two girls named 'V' and 'Sharei", who continually corrected my pronounciation of the whole night.
"SHA-REI!"
"Sha-rei?"
"NO, SHA-REI!"
"Oh, SHA-REI!"
"Yeah."
We heard all these terrible warning on the way there about how you are NOT to disrespect a Q, if you do, they will actually kill you. It was eerie. We got there, and it was apparently a pajama party, and a guy in a robe greeted us outside.

It was insane inside. It was a giant dance party and it was so crowded and violently moving. At some point someone through a bunch of money in the air and I got two dollars. Not too long after we had arrived as the only white people at the party we felt a very clear sense of unwelcome-ness, underlined with some spoken racial slurs, and we got out of there. It was an experience. Than we went into this fraternity party a few doors down, and a few of the girls that had been in the 'Q' party followed our lead into the other party. It was a very interesting parallel. The same sheepishness we had exuded was now all on them in the all white fraternity party.

It was an interesting statement about race in the modern college environment, ISU has a pretty big minority population, but I never see anything but white people. I think this campus is pretty self-segregated. I could write a sociology paper about last night.

This morning, I followed Brendan and Max to this supposed walk for cancer charity thing they were going to for a class. After a slightly late start and a number of confusing bus rides, we were still really far from the 5K. We walked like two or three miles, until we got to the walk at like 2 hours after registration had ended. As we walked up the entire group was crossing the finish line, and we noticed that it was in fact a suicide prevention walk. We bummed around for a while, considering what we should do, if we should walk to 5k by ourselves or something. We thought about asking people there for a ride back to campus, but it seemed insensitive. There were very dark clouds slowly making their way towards us, and we decided to walk back and see if we could catch a bus a couple miles away.

A few minutes into the walk a huge storm broke out. The temperature dropped and the wind kicked up and freezing heavy rain started falling on us. We walked through an elementary school parking lot and almost asked a number of families for rides, but they felt awkward about it, so we marched on in the weather. As we walked in the freezing rain, I found myself with my thumb out to traffic. Then their thumbs out to traffic. After we had all committed to the idea of hitch hiking, it did not take a terribly long time for a car to stop.

I was so excited.

It was an SUV, driven by a huge black man, and his little son in football gear sitting shotgun. The backseat was full of stuff and a car seat, and we all jammed in. Then we had a pleasant ride with R Kelly playing and the little football player glancing back at me a few more times.

Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

He took us right to my dorm. It was fantastic.

I am definitely going to Olympia in October. It's going to be awesome.

That's most of what I have to tell for the time being. I'm trying to decide if I want to write anything for Theater of Ted tonight. We'll see. Now, at almost 4 pm, Austin is disgustingly getting out of bed.

THESE ADS HAVE MADE ME 8 DOLLARS IN THREE DAYS.
Keep clicking them. You guys are great. I cannot believe they're doing anything.

Keep clicking and commenting. If anyone has any ideas for how I could go viral, I would love to hear them.

Shabot Shalom.
Remy

Jenga!!!

2009-09-22T14:55:00.001-07:00

Literally millions of gnats (actually aphids) have descended upon Central Illinois. I can really only speak for ISU, but I hear they're at University of Illinois as well. Millions. Starting a few days ago, these little guys showed up in one massive swarm. This is no exaggeration. This is The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston. I wish I could take a picture but they're kind of hard to capture with my camera. It is impossible to walk around without inhaling a few and bringing a ton into buildings with you. I'm going to start wearing a bandanna on my face while I ride my bike because it's that bad.

I signed up for these ad things on the side of my blog, so if you people keep checking it I may start getting checks, which would be so awesome. I hope they don't bother anyone.

Oh God do I love Jenga....
JENGA!We've been playing a lot of Jenga.

I put an ad on Craigslist earlier as an editor. Like I would edit video for cheap, and I've had like four people respond applying for the position. THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO GUYS!

Austin's been sitting on his bed playing video games all day, most recently I was in there and Aerosmith was playing.

Suffice to say, I'm sitting in a coffee shop. I came here to work on something but got sidetracked with this. In a little while I'm going to this campus gallery opening in hopes of free gourmet food. I've heard that's a good way to get fed well.

Welcome back, little guy.Not much else happening here. I really want to go to a pumpkin patch or the corn maze (MAIZE?) or something. Something having to do a lot with autumn. I also really want to drive to the Great Smoky Mountain National Park. I've heard it's unbelievable this time of year.

I'm so tired of the midwest.

It's looking more and more like I'm going to Seattle/Olympia in a few weeks, which is terrific.

Click my ads, it'll get me paid. It's a small price to pay for all of the entertainment and nostalgia I'm providing you all with.

Also, Hey Ruven! How are you? I'm thinking very seriously about going on Birth Right this summer and coming to Israel. I'll send you an email.

OH I ALMOST FORGOT!

Guess what I did last night?

No seriously, guess.

Nope, not macrame. I fenced!

It was so lame. So fun. I kicked this feeble kid's ass. He was a geography major. I was all "Yeah, maybe in the 1890's!" Right? Maybe not.

I secretely want to be a cartographer. I envy that kid who's ass I kicked at fencing.

Anyways, I'm going to go back. I actually kind of like it. The guys said I was pretty good, it'd be cool to pursue it some, see if I can get to the Olympics. 2016, right? My mom wants me to get good so I can get an obscure scholarship.

(Lunge)

Never forget.

Remy

2009 will not be a year of organized crime.

2009-09-21T09:57:00.001-07:00

Improv Mafia has decided.

I did not make it, which is okay with me. I was honored to be called back. The guy I talked to on the phone was really complimentary and gave me a very sincere "come back next year and you'll definitely make it" speech. He said something about me being in the top six and they took four. I appreciate that they called. It was a good experience, I'm glad I auditioned.

Mad Men was so good last night.

Remy

That Bird Stole My Credit Card!

2009-09-20T14:36:00.000-07:00

It's a wonderfully gray rainy day in Bloomington Normal.

Funny Funny Funny Funny Funny.

I'm so sick of funny.

I auditioned for Improv Mafia, ISU's prestigious (and only) improv troupe this weekend. I auditioned with like 45 people the first day and got a call back, which is so awesome. I find out via phone call tonight if I made it or not, which I am mostly expecting the ladder, but being called back actually meant a lot and if that's all I get that's fine. The auditions were vigorous. I'm happy happy happy to not be a theater major. 9-1 yesterday and 11-3 today. That may not sound like a ton, but it's a lot of time trying to be funny. I met some cool, dramatic people. Some kind of annoying, but better than being alone.

I don't think I've been this happy to be alone in my dorm since I got here.

My mom came this morning and we caught up before my audition. We had breakfast, REAL FOOD, which was delicious, and we went to Target, where she bought me JENGA!

Do you know why my mom is better than everyone else who reads this blog? Do you know why? She found me a new tiny jesus. Specifically FIVE tiny jesuses. Never again, little guy. Thank you so much mom. I love you. Happy birthday (a few days ago).

Yesterday me and Brendan volunteered to be in a dunk tank.

A cold cold dunk tank.

Good choice, overall.

Last night, being fatigued, I tried to take a nap before I went to Theater of Ted at midnight. But alas, I could not, because it's always party time on my floor! In angry response, I wrote them a letter, which I performed at ted.

This is the letter:

Dear Ted,

Tonight, I had originally planned to perform a jazz fusion piece about the role of existentialism in the 2016 Chicago Olympic big, but I forgot my clarinet. So, instead I’m going to read to you a letter I wrote to the residents of Van Buren 2, Watterson Towers.

A letter to my floor,

To the residents of Van Buren 2, I need to say something.

I know you guys all know who I am, I live in 223, you guys wrote some shit on my door.

“I’m gay.”

“I want your cock.”

Thank you, I guess?

Can I ask you guys a question?

How on earth could you be as loud as you are?

Actually?

That’s not a rhetorical question, I’m honestly baffled.

How many times can you listen to Pokerface alone in your quad with extra bass and maximum volume before you start to question your motives?

I get it, I like music.

I really do.

I LOVE MUSIC.

I have 5000 songs on my iPod.

MY BED MOVES.

Geographically.

Seriously.

I wake up a few inches farther from the wall than I was when I went to sleep.

Do you sleep, Van Buren 2?

Do you give your body the chance to rest?

The chance to dream sweet sweet dreams about your insecure sexuality and uncanny love of lacrosse?

Do you ever tire of Madden 2009?

I struggle to understand you.

Why the FUCK do you find it so necessary to underline the fact that you’re from Elgin, ALL THE TIME?

What is so great about Elgin?

Is it funny to leave unknown body hair all over the bathroom?

Was that on your face?

I honestly don’t know.

Van Buren 2, this is not a letter of anger, or even discontent.

This is a letter of inquiry.

How do you live the life you live?

Why are there girls in your room and where is their self worth?

Do they know where you keep the roofies?

I know you guys are excited about your new found lack of curfews, but guys.

Come on.

It’s been a few weeks.

I beg you.

Simmer the fuck down.

Play something other than I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas.

You’re a bunch of dudes, who are usually alone!

Why do you have to playto shitty pop music so loud when your alone?

I do not hate you.

For any assemblance of reasons I wish that you would all die, painfully and quietly.

If not that, could you just stop throwing shit and pounding on my door while I’m sleeping.

I’m just trying to watch Mad Men.

Is that too much to ask?

Let me ask something of you guys.

Evaluate why you’re here.

For what reason are you in college?

If your answer has anything to do with that Asher Roth song, go now. Just get out.

Perhaps go as far as to ask yourselves what your reason for being on this planet is.

What’s your self worth?

Objectively, my answers to those questions are not pleasant ones to hear, so you should ask yourself.

For the time being, we have to live together, so I ask you these things cordially through a letter, and through a dramatic violent act.

I’m a nice guy.

I’ve done nothing to you.

So, please, I beg of you, shut the fuck up.

That's all for the time being. Unfortunately I have an exorbitant amount of work and studying I have to do for the school week, which I'd like to achieve before Mad Men comes on. I would like nothing more than to read the paper and take a nap, but that time will come.

I hope all are well. Keep the comments coming.

Remy

Do you remember that Joni Mitchell song, "I wish I had a river I could float away on..."

2009-09-17T16:09:00.001-07:00

Tonight me and Brendan went to see Steven D. Levitt speak. He wrote Freakonomics. He was awesome. Really funny and clever and interesting. I'm really excited to read it now.

I'm decently tired of the food here. It's not so much that I hate it, I just miss home cooked food, OR really well prepared food that I spent money on. They way I see it, if I took all of the money I was spending on my meal plan I could buy a box of cereal and a meal at Five Guys everyday.

I was listening to blues yesterday and it gave me an intense craving for the Depot.

Oh, the Depot...

I'm bored here. It's not even that I hate it, I just want to go home. Its so interesting at home, there is so little to do here on the weekends besides drink.

I am, for the time being, declaring myself sober. This is a decision I am confident in, and rather excited about. I've drank before, plenty of times, and I don't need to do it here. Also, I don't want it to be something I do just to do or to fit in or something. I feel as if alcohol should be enjoyed for reasons beyond getting shitfaced. Maybe my outlook on this will change, but the way I see it, I've tried alcohol, and for a number of different reasons this makes the most sense. Also I always get sick. I have no stomach for it.

I have incredibly sad news.

Last known picture. He's gone.

Mysteriously. Maybe someone else needed him more. I'm actually really upset about it. MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE WILL GO TO PUMPKIN MOON AND FIND ME ANOTHER ONE.

Cough.

Mom.

I miss Laura. I'd like to go home. I like the weeks. Weekends kind of bum me out. I'm auditioning for Improv Mafia at 9am on Saturday, which is exciting. Also my mom is coming on Sunday. Also Everything is Illuminated is getting really good. Also I wrote an essay I really like for my composition class that is being submitted to This I Believe, a radio essay show that's featured on NPR morning edition a lot.

Leave comments, I thoroughly appreciate them. That means you Paul Carbery. I know your out there.

Goodnight sweet void.

There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't.

2009-09-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

I come to you with a renewed sense of hope. Today is my second consecutive day of feeling good, and that has to mean something, right? I've decided I want to change out my negative feelings for aspirations and creative fuel.

Conan O'Brien. Jon Stewart. Stephen Colbert. How did they get to where they are, what do I need to get there? Things that have inspired me; Conan O'Brien was also a history major, except he graduated top of his class at Harvard writing a thesis paper about the symbolism of children in works of William Faulkner. Go figure. Jon Stewart was miserable throughout his college years. Steven Colbert got his start in Chicago.

I'm not going to let Illinois State keep me down. I'm auditioning for Improv Mafia saturday. We'll see. I'm feeling better. It's easier to look at this year as temporary, which is helping me a lot. Also I'm meeting some people and realizing that I like my friends from high school more and more.

As I write this in this my English class, my teacher brought up the death of Patrick Swayze, and how sad it is. The kid sitting next to yelled out "Let's watch Footloose!" Footloose? Really? That was Kevin FUCKING Bacon. Moron. I'm sorry Patrick, you deserved better.

I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you.

*sigh*

In his defense, right after saying that, the kid said something about his flag football team and watched the "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" trailer on youtube.

Good tidings to you.

Who invited the stand up comedian over here?!

2009-09-13T14:45:00.001-07:00

I LOVE I Love You Man. I liked it a lot the first time, but I rented it on iTunes and I've watched it like four times. It's so good. It's exactly what I'm looking for!

Last night I performed a piece I wrote at this open mic theater called "Theater of Ted"
"A Letter to Ted"

Dear Goers of Ted,

This is a formal letter, to be read on the night of September the 12^th, 2009, by Remy Schwartz. This letter goes as follows.

Listen, Ted, I’m not going to perform my jazz fusion piece celebrating the victims of September 11, like I originally planned. Mostly because I forgot my clarinet. Also, there’s something else I want to say.

What the fuck, Ted?

Where have you been?

I guess what I’m trying to say is you’re being a dick, Ted.

Like, I’m new here, right? I’m a freshman, I know I know, whatever. And you know what Asher Roth? I will do something crazy!

Listen, Ted. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t of yelled at you back there.

It was uncool.

I just… I don’t know anyone, Ted. It’s just that… Well, I don’t know Ted. All my friends here are morons, and I don’t want to hang out with them. And I come here on Saturdays and I see you and your great, you know? Like really awesome.

Then, 2 or 3 or 4 am rolls around, and your gone. Outta my life as fast as you came into it.

Do you think your better than me, Ted?

You think your some, some, some fucking icon, or something?

I’m cool too, Ted. And your pompous.

No, wait.

You’re not pompous.

You’re great, really.

I guess what I’m saying Ted… is…. Let’s just be friends, already.

I know your cool and shit and whatever, but so am I ted!

I’m cool too! And your quick to judge!

Listen, Ted. I’m sorry. I really… I really didn’t mean to snap at you back there.

So, what do you say?

Can we talk after the show? Can we be friends? So I don’t have to bring my laptop and watch Weeds while I eat lunch anymore?

I know you love Weeds, Ted. We all love Weeds.

But that’s all it takes, man. After the show. Come up to me, say, hey! I’m Ted- or you’re name, and be my fucking friend!

You know what I did on Wednesday, Ted? Do you know?

I sat on the quad, on a sheet, with a sign that said, “Let’s be friends! We can play with my puppets I brought or just take pictures of ourselves in photobooth, because that’s what friends do!”

I did that, Ted. And people came and talked to me. Because they know I’m cool, and desperate in an endearing sort of way.

So now it’s your turn Ted. Reach out to me as a response to me reaching out to you.

What about those two kids who ate the whole head of lettuce a couple weeks ago? Those two guys looked kind of obnoxious and Jewish?

That’s me, guys! And I’ll eat fucking ANYTHING!

So, what do you say Ted, friends? Maybe?

Let me know.

I have a blog! People read it, and comment, they know!

Your next, Ted. Do what you know is right.

Be my friends.

Thank you.

It was pretty well recieved, actually. I met a few people, most of which went home, but I went to a party for a few minutes that was made mostly up of the people in Improv Mafia, the group I'm auditioning for. It was kind of awkward, but its good to get my face out there.

All of the people I've met have been theater majors. Oh theater people. I know thee well. I thought I was past you! Well I have to start somewhere. Zoe put it well. I'll hang out with these people this semester, than sit with my new friends next semester and laugh about how I hung out with the theater majors this semester. Either way, I'm happy to be interacting with people, and they all liked my letter, so what more can I ask for?

I Love You Man made me really want to me meet my Jason Seigal....

Mad Men is on tonight. So is Entourage. Also I have two more hours of my iTunes rental and I think I'm going to watch it with Brendan.

My mom might bring me Jenga!

Hoorah!

Hope you are all well.

"Looks like he'll lose his virginity, finally!"
"No... I've had sex with my girlfriend..."

You're not gunna lose the house, Ray, everyone gets three mortgages nowadays!

2009-09-12T13:41:00.001-07:00

The party never stopped outside my room Thursday night and Friday morning I semi-deliberately slept through my math class.

I felt incredibly guilty afterwords. Never again. (9/11, right? Too soon?)

Today is Saturday, and almost everyone I know and have met on campus is at University of Illinois for the U of I/ISU football game. Right now I'm sitting on the quad behind a temporary stage blasting Latino dance music. Apparently it's Hispanic Heritage month, and this is an event celebrating it. I would be over there, salsa-fusioning my ass off, except that it looks as if the entire event crowd, which is very small, is made up of full Hispanic families, and not students. I don't get it. Campus is pretty baron.

My experience has been very up and down lately. I've been really sad and homesick, with a little happy and okay, but the positive feelings are becoming more and more, so that's a good sign. This morning, I was on the phone with an infinitely wise girl to whom I said through sobs, "I just don't know what I'm doing here." With her exuberant confidence she replied, "That's the point, you don't know what your doing at all. You're just there trying to get stuff done while you figure it out." That seemed like an important statement to me. It was very true, and it made me feel better.

Not knowing how to spend my lonely weekend, I kicked it off by seeing four movies last night. Four! Actually only two full ones, but pieces of four. I saw all of Extract, the last 40 minutes of Inglourious Basterds, which is so awesome, 25 minutes of 9, and most of the Hangover. It was uplifting. However, my trek to the movie theater was weird. Google Maps gave me completely wrong directions and I had to ask five people for directions, none of which were clear at all. I had to cut through a trailer park, and at some point an old man yelled at me, "You're in the right church, but the wrong pew!" and laughed.

My friend blanket went pretty well. I think it deserves another try. I sat down with a few different people, the first girl was really nice. She was a junior and an RA and invited me to see a movie with her floor yesterday night, but never called me to give me details. She was super nice, I don't think it was malicious. My sign read "LETS BE FRIENDS! We can play with my puppets or we can take pictures of ourselves in photobooth! IT'LL BE FUN!"
I'm going to try it again pretty soon. I think it would work way better with Jenga. "Come play Jenga with me!"

If anyone sends me Jenga I'll be forever grateful. Seriously.

Remy Schwartz
223 Van Buren
Watterson Towers
Illinois State University
Normal, IL 61761

Can you just develop dandruff? Out of nowhere? Like, excuse my language, but what the fuck? I just woke up this morning with it. If it's there tomorrow I'm going to shave Austin's head while he sleeps. It's gotta be his fault.

I'm going to try and perform at this Theater of Ted thing tonight. It's a weekly open mic type thing that goes from midnight to whenever it ends. The people there are pretty funny and I think would be awesome if I could be their friends. I might do a version of my friend blanket thing. I don't know yet.

That's all for now, I guess. There's more I could say but it lacks substance. I hope all are well, I've really liked the comments. My mom claims it's hard to leave them non-anonymously. I have no idea. Just sign them at the bottom. Should I see if I can make any money selling ads on the side of my blog? It'd be funny. Would you people click them? We could cut out the middle man and you could just send me money instead. I need a job.

I leave you with this.

Don: What are you talking about? This is delicious.
Bobby: Can I have milkshake?
Don: It'll take 45 minutes.
Sally: Can we watch TV?
Don: Sure.
*All laugh*

Remy

2009-09-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

I WON A FREE TSHIRT FROM STARPLEX MOVIE THEATERS IN BLOOMINGTON!

Apparently I entered a raffle, of which I have no memory, but I won a tshirt! A GI JOE tshirt to be exact! I know! I think today is the day...

I've decided that today I'm going to make some friends. After I get out of the class I am currently in, I will take my bed sheet covered in sock monkeys and lay it out on the quad near the fine arts buildings. On this sheet, I will sit and go about my business, reading and working on my computer and such, and put out a sign that says, "Let's be friends? Come sit on my sheet and we can play with these puppets I brought!" It's going to be AWESOME. I hope.

Tiny Jesus will be there.

Do you remember this movie? It's been on my mind so much lately...

But Like Shmul S, the intestine-tied milkman, the Slouchers couldn't give a shit.

2009-09-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

College college college college. I keep getting in these positive grooves of productive proactive-ness, then going home or seeing my girlfriend and loosing grasp of them. After coming home from a wonderful Labor Day weekend and Laura's (my girlfriend, who has yet to embark on her higher educational journey) 18th birthday, Normal sure is Normal. Normal kind of sucks, actually.

But that's just today! I got really sad and lonely earlier and started to read Everything is Illuminated, by Jonathan Safran Foer. It lightened my mood. First I opened it and fell asleep, then I read a chapter, and now I'm feeling better. Perhaps I'm just cranky. I have faith in this book to take me away from my woes, for he also wrote Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which is debatably the only book I've ever really read. Not actually, but sort of. Its weird so far, but good.

I just shaved. All the way shaved. To those of you who don't know, I've had a beard pretty consistently for more than a year. This is the second time I've actually clean shaven in ten months. But worry not you supporters of facial hair, because my shaving has a reason! Starting right now. Right then. Right after I put down the razor. I will not do so much as trim my beard until after Thanksgiving. In high school I lead many of my manly-developed friends in a crusade called No Shave November, which is exactly what it sounds like. It lead up to our friendly celebration of Thanksgiving, known as Fakesgiving, a tradition, where we all adorned beards and ate fried chicken.
I'm starting early. For an assortment of reasons, some which I will not disclose. The main reason, however, is that I am releasing myself into the wild. I am a young animal who has left the nest, hoping to gain independence as a hunter and dominance in the pack. What better way to do that than with a beard comparable to Zach Galifanakus?

Today I got a job and I quit it. Earlier I applied for a telemarketing job at a school sponsored job fair, and they actually called me back. Mostly out of surprise I agreed to go in and meet them today after a tedious phone semi-interview, where they alerted me they'd be drug testing and criminal background checking and reference checking and anal probing. They asked me about transportation, I told them I had a bike, and they gave me a meeting time.

What they did not tell me, was that the place was epically far away. I had to ride a super long time, most of which on the side of a 2 lane highway with a speed limit of 50. It was really scary. I got there and it was a picturesque suburban industrial park, in a field, near a subdivision. They didn't meet with me, they just put me at a computer and started me on this customer service test. This place, apparently, did debt collection. The program was telling me how to handle customers, and made it very clear that I needed to bargain and negotiate and ignore the customer's emotions. I flagged the lady down and told her it was too far from my school and that I thought it was ethically wrong.

I'm not even done with my first semester, I don't want to be a character in Office Space. The corporate world made me feel dirty.

That's really all for now. Austin just came in and turned on his music really loud. He's really a great guy! I mean, who doesn't love a guy who gets drunk on Wednesday nights? I sure do!

152 pot marks on his face.
Remy

I Love College!

2009-09-09T11:46:00.001-07:00

That party last night was awfully crazy
I wish we taped it

I danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked
Drink my beer and smoke my weed but my good friends is all I need
Pass out at 3
Wake up at 10
Go out to eat then do it again
Man, I love college

On the 20th of April, 1889, a boy was born in Austria. That boy's name was Adolf. On the 20th of April, 2009, 120 years to the day, the song "I Love College" was released by aspiring rapper Asher Roth.

The song, "I Love College", has taken the American youth by storm. With a packed appearance at Lollapolooza '09, Asher's single made it to number 12 on the American Billboard List. Don't let the double digit fool you. It may have not been number one throughout the country, but on the Illinois State University's campus, it is an anthem of the greatest years of your life.

Asher Roth
"I Love College" Music Video.

My four weeks at Illinois State have pretty much been this song! I would say I am decently settled in. I live in Watterson Towers, the tallest dorm in the country.

I live on the 23 floor of the south tower. My dorm is decently large with a floor to ceiling view of the southeast. From my large window, I can see into four floors of girls’ rooms and a vast landscape compiled mostly of corn and one large field full of wind turbines. My side of the room is lit by chili pepper Christmas lights and plastered with posters and pictures and little figurines. Also an octopus I drew with chalk on my wall.

Like so many college students, the first thing I did when I got here was buy a hammock! On the target website. It was an impulse buy, but hey, it’s organic! After a few comedic debacles of trying to mount it and sit in it, I return to school from my Labor Day visit home with a drill and a complicated array of little mounts to make it attach to the wall.

Late last night I attempted to drill into my concrete walls with my new drill bit and failed to make it more than a quarter inch. I tried four times! It’s okay, I’m sure they won’t notice the holes in the wall. I’ll get it soon! Did I mention the wall mounts are zinc plated?! I know.

I live in a double with a lovely boy named Austin. Austin is not a bad person in any sense of the word. He is a strapping large fellow, at 6' 2" and 230 lbs. He is studying to be a Physical Education major and spends 9 percent of his day lifting weights. Despite his immediate brutishness, he's incredibly gentle. He misses his family, with whom he is very close. He's not sure he wants to be in his major. He's not really sure of who he is. The best way to describe everyday interaction with Austin; a few days ago, I walked into our open door to find him shirtless, straddling a backwards chair, sitting at his computer open to facebook. His Xbox was playing monotonous R&B at maximum volume while he yelled into his cell phone that was sitting on his desk on the speaker setting.
"I can't hear you!"
That's Austin.

Since I’ve been here I’ve yet to really meet anyone of any substance, except one kid who looks a hell of a lot like Lieutenant Dan on New Year’s Eve. He’s really weird. I don’t know his real name, so I call him Lt. Dan. I don’t know that he knows mine, either. He’s always wearing a heavyweight military jacket and vest, bandana, and transparent red visor.
Everyone else I’ve met have been pretty into the whole I Love College mentality. My friends that I went to high school with all seem pretty content on getting drunk every night. This school epitomizes an entire generation of kids that have gone to college because they were too lazy and apathetic to question is as their only option. We’ve had a three weeks of classes, and three different times I’ve heard Austin talk about how he left class in the middle because he was bored and he wants to go lift weights. I understand not knowing what you want with your life, but why take out loans to do that? So many of the people here have no idea why their here. They just want to get wasted and play catch with gonorrhea while they pay 400 dollars a credit hour.

Despite my judgmental instincts, I’ve done my best to be proactive. I joined the Illinois State Cycling club, which has really only caused me to buy a t-shirt and get pressured into buying a new bike. Which is great, and I love, but still.
They’re all really into racing and competition and time trials and I kind of just want to go on fun leisurely bike rides. There is an improv group called Improv Mafia that performs once a week that won the Chicago Sketchfest Best Collegiate Team last year, which is awesome, but they don’t seem to be that deserving this year. I am going to audition to join in a few weeks. There is also a cool open mic thing called Theater of Ted that goes from midnight on every Saturday. I am going to start performing there this weekend. I’m thinking that’s where the cool people are probably hiding, but I’ve yet to really meet any of them.

I’m trying to concentrate on my classes, which are actually not terrible, and on some other little goals I’ve set for myself. I always welcome advice. The best I’ve gotten is to not isolate myself. I write this from a coffee shop just off campus. I’ll try to keep pretty regular on this, and never plan on putting up one this long again.

Thanks for listening.

Suck it Tiny Cat.

2009-09-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

There's a new sheriff in town.

Welcome to Illinois State University!

Too Soon.

Really? He was? Jesus?

Jesus Never Drove!

The Bear Jew.